Our friendly neighbors (the ones on our left) just returned from New York where they attended the funeral of their younger son – he had an inoperable brain tumor for quite a while, somewhat like Senator John McCain’s. I want to commiserate with them, to tell them that we shouldn’t have to bury our children, but I can’t, so just handshakes (he doesn’t mind but she is more formal and seems to resist them or any contact right now).

I don’t think that grief can really be shared but has to be dealt with personally – knowing that friends are there for you is important but that’s the extent of it. I suspect Jenise isn’t so sure that’s right – she could be right about that. But I’m not made like that; I’m more of a passive helper than active. Fortunately there is Jenise and others like her in the world to do what some of us cannot handle.

So I grieve for Stan and Maureen, for their pain in having to bury their son. I do understand their pain, at least in the externals, but I cannot comprehend the full range of emotion they are undergoing. No “theory of mind” should attempt to bridge that gulf.